Smile - Episode Three

Barbara parked the ancient Land Rover across the road from the Funeral Parlour. Christopher was surprised at how normal it looked. He’d half expected the building to be bright blue and covered with clouds, but it looked the same as any of the other buildings that stood either side and across from it. Did he feel slightly disappointed?

As soon as the car stopped Barbara was out; across the road; and up the path to the entrance. As she opened the door a tiny bell jingled, warning all inside that Huxley was coming.

By the time Christopher had caught up with Barbara she was already sitting patiently in the waiting area. Christopher sat down next to her.

“Now then” Barbara whispered, “Jacob will be out in a minute. Remember, just play along with whatever I say or do.”

“Okay. But can I ask, what’s the reason you had to bring the Knitting? You simply refused to leave without it.”

“Ah, I’m glad you asked. You see there are many reasons for bringing Knitting into a situation like this.”

“Really?”

“Watch and learn.”

As if on cue, the door to the funeral director’s door opened and in strode Jacob beaming from ear to ear just like Peter had told them.

“Hello there, my names Jacob. Welcome so the All-Smiles funeral parlour. How may I be of assistance?”

Barbara stood up and grabbed Jacobs offered hand, shaking it vigorously.

“I’m Mrs Merton and this is my grandson Martin. We’ve come to inquire about a casket for my late husband.”

“Oh I’m sorry, when did he die?”

“He hasn’t, he was meant to meet us here half an hour ago.”

“Oh, though from what you’re saying; is it that he is not long for this world?”

“Unfortunately he’s as strong as a fridge, as stubborn as a cat and has a memory like my granddaughter's. I don’t think I’ll be getting rid of the git any time soon.”

Jacob laughed, than realising Barbara was not, quickly stopped. He ushered Barbara and Christopher into his office then followed in behind before taking up his position in a huge leather chair around the other side of a large desk. Betty and Peter sat in blue chairs opposite.

Christopher felt like he was back at school sitting opposite his head master, waiting for the inevitable ear bashing. Except his Head master never smiled; but to be fair was no less sinister.

“So Mrs Merton; what kind of Casket are we looking for? We have a wide selection to choose from, please have a look in our colourful catalogue of caskets.” Jacob passed them a thick soft back book; and indeed it was actually titled a colourful catalogue of caskets. Christopher was sure he felt Barbara sigh, though no sound came from her lips.

“Thank you, we’ll have a look” said Christopher. He noticed Jacob was staring directly at him, quite intently. He felt a cold tingle go up the nape of his neck. He was willing Barbara to speak to draw the eye-line of fire away from him, but she just flicked through the catalogue apparently in her own little world. Christopher decided he better say something, the uncomfortable silence was excruciating which made Jacob's locked on stare all the more terrifying.

“So Jacob, has being a funeral director run in your family or just something you wanted to do?”

“No” he replied. “My father was a butcher. But we lived next to a funeral parlour when we were children. My brother was obsessed with that place.”

“Your Brother, is this a family run business then?”

“Yes.”

“So that’s why you took it up because of your brother.”

“Yes in a way, everything we do is for Victor. We moved away when our father died but it wasn’t until sometime later that we opened up a funeral Parlour. We had to learn the craft first.”

“Did you move far away?”

“Almost full circle” Jacob said, it seemed half chuckling to himself.
It was at this moment that Barbara decided to re-enter the conversation.

“It’s very confusing. I’d have thought there’d be only a few choices but it is just page after page.”

“Every shape conceivable; every colour of the rainbow; we pride ourselves in giving our customers the biggest choice at the lowest possible price. Because to make a customer smile is to make me smile.”

“Then you must have a lot of very happy customers” Christopher said. Did Barbara just nudge him?

“Reason number one” Barbara whispered to Christopher before saying loudly “Martin I think it would be best; if you don’t mind Jacob; to go and look at caskets yourself. A photo doesn’t always do a product justice.”

“Of course I don’t mind Mrs Merton, I’d be glad to give Martin the grand tour.” Jacob stare was again on Christopher.

“I will stay here; I’m afraid I can’t stomach such morbid things; so couldn’t possibly choose a coffin for my husband. I always thought a couple of black bin liners would have done nicely.”

Christopher cursed Barbara in his head for putting him in a situation where he’d have to be alone with the sinister man, then promptly apologised in his head for being disrespectful.  

When Jacob and Christopher rose from their chairs, Barbara stayed sat, pulling her knitting out of her bag and got stuck straight in at some considerable speed.

“Let me just get the key from the safe” said Jacob as he turned to a large safe standing directly behind his chair. The lock was an electronic keypad. “Now no peeking Martin, such things are not for prying eyes.”

Jacob bent down to put the code in. Even if Christopher wanted to, from where he was standing he couldn’t see what Jacob was pressing to unlock the safe. However, Barbara was an expert Knitter. She can knit anything at colossal speeds without even looking; but most people didn’t realise this and would casually do things without knowing they were being observed. So Barbara easily sees the shape Jacob makes with his fingers over the keypad though her eyes aren’t good enough to see actual numbers. Then all she had to do was patiently wait for both of them to leave the room before she could have a good old fashioned snoop.

Christopher followed Jacob out the office; through a side door and down a long corridor to another door at the end.

“They're in here Martin” said Jacob as he opened the door to a world full of every colour and shape; Christopher had never seen anything like it before. 

Meanwhile Barbara had already started her rummage through the various papers piled neatly on Jacob’s desk. Nothing stood out as distinctly odd, no information that spelt out these people were up to no good or in fact dangerous. It seemed only Jacob himself gave off any kind of sign that sinister things were afoot in the funeral parlour. That man oozed sinister; it seeped from every pore; from every movement he made and every word he spoke. How they had run the place so long with a figure head like Jacob was any ones guess, though Barbara noted that the extremely cheap prices might have helped somewhat.

With nothing of interest anywhere else and a strict deadline, Barbara turned her gaze to the huge safe situated behind Jacob’s desk. Remembering the shape Jacob made with his finger, Barbara pressed four; six; eight and finally zero. There was a clunking sound from behind the safe door. Barbara tried the handle, it turned easily and the door slid open.

Inside where a further few files and a few sets of keys, each with a bright label attached telling what each was for. Hearse keys, back entrance, front door and basement keys. Barbara fished out the two thick files underneath the sets of keys. The first was filled with profiles of deceased people. All the photos looked like they had been taken when the person was alive, but Barbara couldn’t be sure. Maybe the family gave them photos? Barbara continued to flick through each profile, seeing if any names caught her eye. One did, Adam. Was this Peter’s brother?

Knowing time was of the essence, Barbara didn’t dwell on the files very long instead opting to have a good feel inside the safe in case there was anything she hadn’t noticed. Sure enough the base was no base at all rather a large leather bound black book, maybe a journal. Barbara quickly pulled it out and took a peek inside. Hoping this would eventually bring up something of interest.

Each page of the journal was filled with times and dates and short one or two word sentences to remind the owner of the importance of them. Still nothing concrete to help but Barbara did notice rather a lot of entries mentioning the basement and also a fair few references an imminent Christmas party. Barbara tried not to think what kind of party people like Jacob went to; it least important clue; the one of interest was the basement. What was going on in their basement?

*

Back In the room with coffins of every colour, Christopher kept catching Jacob staring at him in the corner of his eye. To begin with he ignored it; but eventually it freaked him out so much he quickly turned to catch the strange man in the act.

“I’m sorry” said Jacob, “but I’m sure we’ve meet before.”

“I don’t think so.” Christopher said, even though he knew he was telling the truth he felt a shiver go down his spine again like he was about to be found out for something he hadn’t done.

“You see Martin, I never forget a face, only where I saw it.”

“Not me. I would definitely remember if I met you before”

“Why do you say that?” Jacob asked with that same nauseating smile.

“Erm, because you're so chirpy?”

“Chirpy is not something I think I’ve ever been called before. Interesting.”

Jacob seemed to be musing on this word for some time, in fact even when he had finished showing Christopher their range and returned towards the office he still seemed to be mumbling something under his breath. Christopher hoped Barbara had finished what she was doing because they were about to enter through the office door once more.

“Thank you so much” Christopher said aloud as they approached the door; hoping it was loud enough for Barbara to hear and early enough for her to react to their presence.

Jacob’s hand went to the office door. Christopher couldn’t help but hold his breath as the handle turned and Jacob pushed the door gently open.

Both Jacobs and Christopher’s eyes turned to where Barbara had been sitting when they left the room. She wasn’t there. Christopher quickly scanned the room, wishing not to see Barbara’s well-proportioned bottom sticking out from the direction of the safe. His wish went unheard because there it was wiggling a little this way and that. Christopher froze, how were they going to get out of this?

“Excuse me Mrs Merton, but could you please tell me what you are doing behind my desk” Jacob’s tone could not be misunderstood. Christopher had to reevaluate his previous thought. his head master had nothing on Jacob.

“I’m so sorry” said a voice from beyond the bottom. “I think I picked up a little too much pace, would you believe one of the needles shot straight out my hand, it catapulted straight across the room.”

Jacob said nothing, just stared at the talking behind with the same smile he probably slept with.

“It’s here somewhere deary” Barbara continued. “Ah look there it is.” She lifted the needle high up above her head as though needing to show proof.

Christopher thought there was no way on earth that Jacob would fall for that.

“Oh dear, you are a butter fingers Mrs Merton.” Jacob laughed. And Christopher realised he was wrong, or did it just seem he was wrong.

“Did you look at the caskets deary?” Barbara quickly changed the subject. “Any you like the look of? And more importantly any your Granddad would like, after all he’s going to be stuck in it for quite some time so we better get it right”

“I’ve got a few Ideas I think he’ll like.”

“Fantastic work shall we be off” Barbara said, but then whispered in Christopher's ear. “And that was the second reason.”

“Okay Granny, we better go then, must be time to empty your catheter soon.” Christopher added. Barbara just gave him an icy stare.

“Is that all then Mrs Merton?”

“Yes thank you; we will be in touch; got to have a good hard think.” said Barbara.

“Of course, but you won’t find better or cheaper service anywhere else; thank you for dropping by.”

“I’m sure we will see each other again Jacob” said Christopher as they stepped out of the front door to the safety of the street.

“I know we will” replied Jacob with the same sinister smile that had never left him the whole visit.

To Be Continued later today...